Like Life--From Haze to Clarity

Wrigley Field--after the rain, getting ready for the game.

     In June when I was in Chicago with my wife, I was lucky because when we got there the weather was perfect--mostly.  Yes, the Cubs game, our first night, was delayed for almost two hours due to rain,  Once the rain left, though, the setting was amazing and the experience was great.  The next morning, during our first full day in Chicago, I noticed that the sky was amazingly clear other than some incredibly artistic clouds.  There was no haze at all.  Recognizing that I could not count on such nice conditions the whole time I was in the Windy City (the third largest city in the U.S.), I decided I better forgo a nap to take a picture-taking excursion.  My goal was to get as many good shots of the astounding architecture and skylines as I could before conditions changed.  I am glad I did did because during the rest of the trip the sky never was that clear again.  In fact, during our free Saturday, a fog set in over the city at the same time we took a boat ride into Lake Michigan.  I was disappointed because I wanted to round out my photo collection with some great skyline shots.  It didn't happen because the clear sky had disappeared.  The boat ride was nice but the photos were terrible.  However, about three hours after the ride, as I walked along Lake Michigan with my wife Denette, the sky once again started to brighten up little by little--the reflections on the buildings and water started to return and most of the haziness dissipated.  My pictures got better with the descent sky.

Perfect skies, amazing clouds, world-class architecture in Chicago.

     This little tale is, symbolically, a bit like our lives.  We have our great days, good days, and hazy days.  Some days are perfect--we see clearly and seize the moment.  Others days are normal--we go to work, come home, and rest a bit before the next routine day.  On some days, however, we experience pain, sorrow, difficulty, or just simply live in some sort of fog or haze that is hard to endure.  I know it is easier said then done, especially in the heat of despair or the mists of depression or darkness, but if we can just hang on when it seems we can't hang there any longer or if we can endure just past the point where we don't think we can make it, we can and will get through through the haze.  When we look around us, at others in day-to-day news stories, at colleagues at work, or in our neighborhoods, we discover that most people find a way to get through the tough times and even the seemingly impossible--and many even manage to do so while remaining happy or with a degree of contentment and determination that we can admire. 

A hazy day in Chicago on the heels of perfection.

The Chicago Bean--just after the haze left and the light returned.

     You too can make it, can hold on just a little more, can dig a little deeper, and can get  out of the haze to the brighter day and to clarity.  You can because you have it inside yourself and because you have seen others do the same against the odds.  Legendary coach Lou Holtz said this about dealing with and getting through struggles:  "Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I’ll show you someone who has overcome adversity."  In addition, this quote reminds us of the good that comes from struggles:  "He knows not his own strength who hath not met adversity."  William Samuel Johnson.  And finally, Sir Winston Churchill, who had to stare the possibility of utter defeat in the face and find a way to rally Great Britain to make it through and do what seemed impossible, shared this hard-earned wisdom with us:  "If you're going through hell, keep going."  You may sometimes feel like you are in the snare of hell and that all hope is lost and that quitting is the only or best option.  That is not true!   Don't give up.  You have it within you to battle through the haze and find your way through the challenges, whether with health, family, work, or self.  If you need someone to help you through the challenges, then get it from your loved ones, doctors, clergy, or friends--even if it means swallowing some pride, spending some funds, or leaving your comfort zone.  No one said adversity would be easy; we just know it will make us better.  Remember, after the haze always comes clarity and, over the long haul, a measure of success will follow.  Hang on (and have some fun too)!

Don't Give Up--Nobody’s Perfect!

     I don’t know about you but I have spent too much of my life beating myself up for mistakes and shortcomings.  Why would I that?  I don’t want to over-simplify matters, but I think a big part of my self-tyranny at different times in my life has come from my unwillingness to really accept the vital truth that I am a fallible, imperfect human being.   Somehow, whether consciously or not, I found ways to dwell more on the questions I got wrong, the baskets I missed, the control I lost, or the students I didn’t reach, than I did on the questions I got right, the shots I made, the kindness I showed, or the students I helped.  If you look at the matter from a purely mathematical point of view, it makes little sense for me to have focused so much personal attention on the relatively few percentage points of negativity in my life, taken as a whole, as opposed to celebrating the much higher percentage of positives outcomes and relationships—like family and friends. 

The World Famous Hope Diamond is Grand But Not Perfect.

     I think Winston Churchill was thinking along these lines when he made this rather human and humorous observation:  “The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four.  Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye.”   Mistakes, follies, and failures are a necessary part of life and they rarely present themselves at opportune times.  No one is exempt. 

     I know when I taught school or when I worked as an attorney, I encountered many people who felt absolutely overcome by their shortcomings.  Some were so hard on themselves that they could barely move forward, maintain relationships, or perform their essential duties.  I was often alarmed and genuinely saddened when such waves of imperfection were allowed to carry a struggling friend or acquaintance down a raging river of self-loathing and destruction.  Because of my own hard-earned understanding of the destructive force of placing too much focus on life’s human missteps, I discovered it was crucial that I really listen, care, and, when possible, remind those in need that all of us have our ups and downs.  All of us make mistakes that we have to overcome.  All of us sometimes see the world in a cup-half-empty kind of way even when we actually have a lot going for us.  Simply put--all of us are imperfect!  We all must really internalize and believe that fact, have the ability to remember it when the chips are down, and, on the other side of the challenge, be ever-mindful of others who need our listening ear and caring heart at a time when they too forget that nobody’s perfect.  Former First Lady, Rosalynn Carter reminded us of this profound truth:  “Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence.”  When we help our loved ones and remind ourselves that we are all in the same swift water, then we become empowered to stay afloat in the life’s rapids and move ahead in our quest to do the best we can.   In so doing, we will grow and can then help others advance with us.  When that happens, we actually begin to grow from our weaknesses—grow in perseverance, patience, empathy, determination, and forgiveness.  Indeed, these profound words of the legendary Coach of the Green Bay Packers, Vince Lombardi, will begin to be realized in our lives:  “Perfection is not attainable.  But if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence.”  We are not perfect but we can be great in so many ways and help so many people rise above the fray and the tides of doubt.  To do that, however, we have to endure the pains of imperfection in our quest for excellence.

     As a final word, there are situations when we should include the help of a professional or clergy in our lives.  Illnesses like depression and anxiety, for instance, can literally impair or take away our ability to evaluate or deal with life circumstances in a realistic, balanced, and effective manner.  There is certainly no shame in seeking appropriate guidance from a professional, trusted friend, clergy, or mentor who can use their tools to help us find an appropriate and healthy balance.  In fact, it is a mark of wisdom to turn to help from those who are best trained to guide us and lift us when we are unable to do so on our own.  The very essence of grace as used in many religions is that God can directly or indirectly help us do things that we cannot accomplish on our own.   The Dalai Lama made this point about self-growth:  “All good qualities must be sown and cultivated. We can’t expect to change overnight from an ordinary person into one with high realizations.”  Dealing with our imperfection requires patience and acceptance and, thankfully, will eventually lead us to excellence.

Raising Kids and Remembering Ourselves: The Best of Times—The Worst of Times

      Charles Dickens wrote these immortal words in the opening paragraph of A Tale of Two Cities, a book with over 200 million copies sold:  “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way….”

The Chairs of Archie and Edith Bunker, symbols of the best and worst in all of us.  (at the Smithsonian Inst.)

     Not making light of the serious themes of the transcendent works of Dickens, I can’t help but think that the paragraph is a great statement on raising kids and family life, in general.  Those moments when your darling child is looking into your eyes with the smile of an angel are most certainly the best of times, the season of light, and the spring of hope.  By contrast, the same child (maybe as a teenager—just saying) in a fit of rage and egocentrism is unquestionably akin to the worst of times, the age of foolishness, the season of darkness, and the winter of despair.  No doubt over the years, we get glimpses of heaven and hell as we try to figure out the toughest task known to mankind—proper parenting.

Happy Feet (the same feet that storm out of the house in a fit of anger) at a fountain in D.C.

     I think Dickens’ wisdom has application to parents too—to all of us.  Somehow, all parents have some degree of amnesia when it comes to their own childhood behavior and experiences in comparison to that of their own children.  We all somehow remember that when we were young, kids were obedient, docile, patient, and just plain good.  In a twist of the miraculous, we forget that as teens we were periodically big jerks, who drove our parents to drink, cry, hide, or run away in sheer panic.  We want our histories to begin this way:  During [insert your name] childhood, it was frankly the best of times, the age of wisdom, the season of light, and the spring of hope.   That’s not a bad intro if your history is fiction.  We all know better.  The other side of your childhood story is every bit as warped as the “difficult“ challenges you are facing right now with your little darling (the one you are certain has somehow come from some other planet or been taken over by some dark force).

     So fellow parents, when your kids are driving you crazy or even when your kids are the hallmark of greatness, just remember that you were and are not perfect either.  There is always tomorrow.  Tomorrow is a new day—a day with new twists, adventures, and the changes of time that make life what it is.  What is it?  It is challenging for you and for everyone.  During the downs, we have to learn to hang in there.  When our kids, or we for that matter, can’t see past the darkness, then we can become overwhelmed by the worst times.  Don’t lose hope or faith.  The light will return in greater abundance and hope will prevail.  Sometimes we have to live through a bit of hell in order to make it to our heaven.  Let the good times roll.  "Choose to be happy even when life is not fair" (Golden Keys, No. 10, Copyright Steven Burge 2006).

Why Does the Neighbor's Lawn have to Be So Perfect?

Don’t you hate the neighbor with the perfect lawn or yard?  Okay, maybe hate is a little strong—how about despise or resent?  It’s not personal, it’s just that they make you look bad because they look so good.  It doesn’t have to be this way.  Can’t they back off just a bit—let a few weeds break the surface of the ground, allow a brown spot on the grass to thrive for at least part of the year.  Don’t they have regular jobs?  Don’t they have a sense of humor?

Come on, I work hard at work.  I don’t want to work hard at home.  That makes no sense to me.  The dang Jones’s (no offense to any real Jones’s intended) are hurting me on purpose.  Please, for the love of all that is natural and dying, back off of the golf course perfect, lawn care.  You are making me look bad. 

I know, some of you are saying that I am using them (the Jones’s) as scapegoats for my own slothfulness or that I am refusing to own my own problem and have, instead, conveniently passed the blame on to responsible, upstanding citizens who have pride enough to have a lovely yard.  Well, you’re wrong.  I am simply saying that I want the neighborhood standard to be ratcheted down to my level so that my lawn can be the symbol of normalcy.  That’s all I am asking for—not a junk yard , just the norm.  Then and only then will I be able to drive into my driveway with pride knowing that the Jones’s came down to my level for once and that I have finally become an average neighbor. 

So what does this have to do with 12 Golden Keys I have been writing about?  It's simple--you've got to have balance.  There you go.   [Disclaimer:  There is no truth in this story or relation to my own home and neighbors—at least that I will admit to voluntarily.]

"We Hold These Truths to be Self-Evident...."

     The Declaration of Independence, drafted by 33 year-old Thomas Jefferson about one year into the Revolutionary War and approved by the Continental Congress on July 4, 1776, contains one of the greatest statements ever written by human hands:  "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."  With those sweeping words, the ideals, hopes, rights, and horizons for a spawining nation and for all mankind were given life.  While the fulfillment of the grand ideals has been and remains a work in progress, they remain a beacon, a touchstone for each of us no matter where we live.   

Jefferson Monumnet

     In his Gettysburg Address in 1863, Abraham Lincoln reminded a suffering and mourning nation in the midst of civil strife that would cost over 600,000 lives, including his own, of the great centerpiece of the Declaration of Independence:  "Four score and seven years ago [i.e. in 1776] our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal."  Martin Luther King, in his "I have a Dream Speech" that was delivered from the Lincoln Monument one hundred years after Lincoln's signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, reinforced the truths of the Declaration and reminded us that we still had work to do to live up to the grand ideals of the Nation:  "When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

Lincoln Monument

     This 4th of July, we should all celebrate the gift of freedom with family and friends.  Don't ruin the moment by dwelling on our imperfections as a people and nation.  Believe that we will continue to grow as a people.  Relish the gifts so many have been given because of the bravery and vision of selfless men and women who preceded us.  In addition, consider the deeper meaning of the holiday for the United States and all nations.  God has given his children rights that should not be taken away unjustly.  Those rights, among others include the rights to life, the right to liberty, and the right to happiness.  We may differ in our political, religous, and other veiwpoints, but hopefully we find common ground in the sacred ideals of the Declaration of Indepence for which brave men and women who beleived in a better world have fought and died.  The work is not finished. 

Dr. Martin Luther King (in U.S. Capitol)

     Alone none of us can heal all of the wounds, right all of the wrongs, or end all of the tyranny but we can work diligently in our own sphere of influence and try to make the world a better place.  Treat others with dignity and respect even when you disagree with them or their lifestyle, show kindness to children and families. Contribute a measure of your time, talent, and abilities to lessen the hunger, ease the pain, and bring more smiles.  Help your neighbors who are not so fortunate.  Live the Golden Rule by doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Treat others the way you want to be treated.  In so doing, I believe, we will come to better understand the self evident truth that we are created equal and that we each have the inalienable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Happy 4th of July to one and all!