The Ongoing Battle: Your Ideal Self Versus Your Real Self

Family looking at Gravesite of John F. Kennedy and Jacquiline Kennedy Onassis and the Eternal Flame

     Even though more than 25 years have passed, I clearly remember a significant moment in my life while I was sitting in a behavioral psychology class at the University of Utah.  During that moment, my thoughts were drawn to an obscure footnote at the bottom of the left page of a chapter we were reviewing that day.  The life-changing footnote had a brief reference to the German/American psychoanalyst, Karen Horney (pronounced "Horneye" in English), who lived from1885-1952.  Paraphrasing what I read based on my limited memory, the footnote briefly mentioned her theory that we all have two views of the "self" (the core of who we are, our potential).  There's the "ideal self" and the "real self."  Our "ideal self" is pretty impressive--smart, disciplined, consistent, moral, kind, patient, and maybe even perfect.   On the other hand, our "real self" is pretty human--good at some things, full of ups and downs, imperfect, occasionally hard to live with, and just not as good as the next person.  Horney postulated that much of our pain or distress in life comes from our perception of the gap or distance that exists between these two mental constructs.

     We really hurt inside and out when we believe we aren't living up to our own view of greatness, when we fall short, when we are petty, when are we way less than ideal.   Horney taught how this kind of quest for perfectionism, more often than not, leads to self-hate and a phenomenon she called "the tyranny of the shoulds." "I should be more righteous." "I should be a better father and have more patience." "I should be more like my neighbor."   In her thinking, as I understand it, our effort to achieve some unachievable ends often leads to a sense of hopelessness and despair--to literal neurosis or illness.  Our belief about the gap between who we are day to day and who we think we must be becomes the source of so much pain, despair, and damning judgment.  Martin Luther King seemed to be teaching a similar principle when he said these profound words:  “Each of us has something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against ourselves.  A persistent civil war rages within all of our lives.” 

     The tension between the two selves is easy to see and feel if you put both hands out in front of you and think of one hand as your ideal self and the other as your real self.  When you move your hands far apart you can recognize that there would be great tension in that person because of the significant distance between the two selves.  In an extreme case, that might be a representation of a person who has given up on their ideals or one who is on a course of self-destruction.  But, if you move the two hands closer together or even move them until portions of the hands overlap (a more realistic portrayal of all of us if we are fair to ourselves), then you can sense increased harmony between the selves.  When portions of the ideal self and real self overlap, then you would expect to find a person who is confidently but imperfectly trying to do good things, to grow day by day.     
Regardless of the terms used to describe this topic, I think Horney and King were right on.  We are at war with ourselves and need to come to more positively deal with our built in limitations.  I know they accurately describe me and my inner battles.  I do my worst when I only see the gap between who I think I am and who I believe I need to be.  That is when I am most likely to forget about the good things I do and represent.  I have seen the same phenomenon in many others I have worked or spoken with. 

     Today, my message is that we would be wise to forgive ourselves for not reaching many aspects of our ideal self.  We can't change the past, we can only shape the future--so we have to more fairly and evenly look at our best selves--not the hypothetical but the real parts of our character which have so many good aspects.  Don't let the invented gap between our real and ideal self destroy us.  I am not saying that we don't strive to do better, to forgive or repent, to grow--to even try to reach a future perfection sought in many religions.  We just don't need to endlessly beat ourselves up every time we fall short because that means we will experience a lifetime of endless beatings and we will likely bring others down with us.

     Over time we can zero in on some traits that need work and we can systematically grow toward our ideals.  I just don't think it is in our cards to reach perfection in this lifetime.  So why not be kind to ourselves and others in our ongoing journey to be a little better, to try a little harder, to understand human frailty, to smile a little more.  When we fall flat on our faces from time to time, we all do it, then get up (hopefully with the help of a kind friend), shake off the dust, bind up the wounds, and try again. 

     Do not focus so much on the gap or distance between your ideal and real selves but instead on the great person you are now and the wonderful things you already do.  By taking a positive approach you can better serve others and not spend all of your time thinking about yourself.  The irony is that in following such a course, you will move closer to your ideals and maybe not even realize it.   Whatever you do, don't play the "tyranny of the shoulds" game--there can be no victory in such self-destruction.

     I think these lyrics and the feelings behind one of my favorite songs, Looking for Space by John Denver, squarely address the tension between the ideal and real self:

"All alone in the universe, sometimes that's how it seems
I get lost in the sadness and the screams
Then I look in the center, suddenly everything's clear
I find myself in the sunshine and my dreams

And I'm looking for space
And to find out who I am
And I'm looking to know and understand
It's a sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
And sometimes I'm deep in despair"

     If you would like to listen to this moving song, you can try this link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHRHcjyMugI&feature=related. 

     Fly like an eagle!  When you can't, look to your center to move toward your dreams--patiently.