Life's Second Arrow--A Metaphor for Your Life

     A few months ago, a friend introduced me to the Buddhist concept of the Second Arrow. When I first read the metaphor, I was humbled by its simple wisdom and found it easy to apply to my own life.  I am the first to admit that my summary below may be off target to some extent because I have limited understanding of the broad spectrum of Buddhist beliefs.  With that admission, I have respectfully introduced the concept below the best I can within what I believe to be the spirit of the sacred metaphor.  I think all readers can benefit from the principals as they are presented.  If you are interested I encourage you to individually study the concept more thoroughly through many online sources.

     The Buddhist metaphor of the Second Arrow involves two arrows.  In simple terms, the first arrow is the one that is shot into us from life itself--representing the pain that comes with living, whether from people, illness, or challenges in their many varieties.  In a symbolic way, consider the pain and injury that would come from an actual arrow striking us and then liken that impact and pain to our life circumstances.  The first arrow could represent wounds of injustice, prejudice, hate, or apathy that deprive us of some part of our life, liberty or happiness--to use the language of the Declaration of Independence.  This arrow could be a disease, the death of a loved one, an unfair firing from work, hurtful gossip from a friend, or battles with a teenager with a death wish.

Notice the arrows in the Great Seal of the Unites States above.  Interesting symbol in the context of this Post.

    
     We cannot escape the first arrow.  They come at us throughout our lives.  They are almost always uninvited and unwelcome.  The only thing we can control in relation to the first arrow is our response.  In the metaphor that response is the second arrow--the one that we shoot into ourselves to distract us from or respond to the first arrow.  In simple terms, the second arrow represents what we do after being struck by the first arrow.  Unlike the first arrow, we can control, to a large extent, the second arrow.  Without question the second arrow is often more deadly or dangerous than the first one.  Because we are emotional and sometimes irrational creatures, too often our response is self-destructive. 

     It is crucial that we understand and contemplate the implications of the second arrow.  We have choice and ownership in our response to the first arrow but we do not necessarily dictate the consequences that may follow from those choices.  Our second arrow can be destructive when it includes endless second guessing, self-blaming, self-loathing, or refusing to let go of the unchangeable past.  It might be an arrow of self-destruction through substance abuse, risky lifestyles, bitterness, and anger in reaction to a hurtful first arrow. The first arrow may bring us an unwanted chronic illness like diabetes, cancer, or a mental illness.  We can take the second arrow and tragically use it to guarantee that we succumb to disease, or, we can honorably do everything in our power to counter the wounds--with a positive mind set, healthy diet, regular exercise, or spiritual beliefs and practices.  What we should not do is give up, accept the role of victimhood.  We must not use the second arrow to deepen the pains and fester the wounds from the first arrow. Instead, we should mount an attack of healing, courage, and faith.

     I challenge you to think about the metaphor of the Second Arrow.  If you are willing to look deeply inside your mind and heart, you will likely discover some destructive second arrows whose existence you justify because of the wounds inflicted by a series of first arrows.  Life, so you say, has forced your hand.  The reality is, however, that such justification will hold you back, making you hurt unnecessarily, and unnecessarily impacting your overall happiness.  What is the issue hurting you?  Is it about an ex-spouse or partner?  A co-worker or boss?  The actions of a parent years ago?  Imbalance in the physical, social, intellectual, or spiritual parts of your soul?  Addiction?  Pride?  Jealousy?  Resentment?  Fear?  Untreated physical or mental illness?  Inability or unwillingness to let go or forgive?  Endless efforts to change the unchangeable past?  And on and on....?

     Mahatma Gandhi, who understand how to respond to first arrows said:  "We must become the change we want to see."  The key to positive change is to not endlessly dwell on our pain and beat ourselves up over our failings.  Remember, we are fallible humans and all fall short.  If you doubt that, please see prior comments in this blog that reinforce that principle.  In addition, we cannot fix everything overnight.  So, if in your self-evaluation you have uncovered something or things that you would like to let go of or fix, then calmly assess and make a plan.  There are no short cuts.  Henry Ward Beecher said: The ability to convert ideas to things is the secret to outward success."  So, set some SMART goals and get to work.  A SMART goal is specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time bound.  Don't wait until New Years to set a resolution.  Instead, starting right now accept that you are responsible (response able) and have the power in you to control the second arrow--how you respond to adversity.  There is no better time to make a change than now.  Write your thoughts and plans down.  Seek help from a trusted friend.  You can do it on day at a time! 

Dignity and Respect in Dialogue

Dignity and Respect Among the People Symbolized in the American
Flag in the Smithsonian Institution.

If you don't know what to say or do in any situation with others,  start with the idea that you can at least treat people with dignity and respect when all else fails.  In doing so you maintain your own dignity and remember your humanity.  You can disagree with another but will likely be best  served in the long run by taking the high road of dialogue through decency.  His Holiness the Dalai Lama said: "Today, when we face problems or disagreements, we have to arrive at solutions through dialogue" (June 23, 2011 @DalaiLama).  Name-calling and hate-speech so common in politics, for instance, is not effective dialogue and not likely to solve the problems we face.

I enjoy learning from others.  To do that, I spend a lot of time reading, listening, meditating, and speaking.  I have a lot of work to do to be a better communicator--to more effectively and sincerely open my ears, eyes, mind, and heart to the amazing array of people and diverse thoughts in the world.  I enjoy public and private discourse where there is a respectful and dignified exchange of ideas, thoughts, and beliefs between people.  There is great value to society and relationships when we engage in civil dialogue in our discourse with one another, meaning in our conversations, relations, and exchanges of ideas .  That is true in our families, our work, our communities, and all interpersonal interactions.   Ultimately, the way we interact and dialogue with one another, to some extent at least, defines us in the eyes of others, as is noted in this quote:

"There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it."   Dale Carnegie

It seems to me that today there is far too little focus on effective dialogue and, as a consequence, we see a constant stream of dissension, disdain, and distrust.  “I am right, you are wrong (and you are also an idiot) so sit down, shut up, and let me tell you how the world turns.”  Too often, public and private discourse is uncivil and outright hateful.  Yes, people have a right to say and do many things but doing so without regard for the rancor and harm caused by this discourse of hate, misguided pride, prejudice, and incivility is taking a huge toll on our lives and world.  Do we want to be classified in such light?  Can we do better individually and collectively?  I think we can if we will sincerely care more about others, even when they are different than us, and be willing to engage in effective and constructive communication.    

Dignity and Respect in Art: Oneida Chief Oskanondohna and an Oneida woman, Polly Cooper, along with Gen.George Washington at National Museum of the American Indian

Dale Carnegie made the following two statements about quality discourse:  "The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it."  We are responsible for our dialogue—our mode and method of intercommunication.  If we choose to dialogue through rage, silence, scorn, anger, and intolerance, we provoke unwinnable argument and invite detrimental emotion into our lives.  In speaking about humans and logic, Carnegie declared:  "When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion."

We have two ears and one mouth.  As a rule, then, we should try to listen at least twice as much as we speak.  And when we do speak, we must consider what message we are sending and the consequences of our exchanges.  Are we really allowing a balanced interchange of ideas in our discourse or are we so insistent on taking the bully pulpit to prove that our views are the only ones that matter that we make real communication impossible.  We don't have to give up or compromise on our core values and we don't have to take abuse from those who themselves are lousy at dialogue, but, we should at least make it a foundational practice of treating others with sincere dignity and respect in our dialogue.  The courageous Prime Minister of Great Britain, Winston Churchill said:  "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."  Civility starts with each of us having the courage and wisdom to know when to speak, knowing how to speak civilly, and when to listen respectfully.  Most of the time, we can best learn from one another when our foundation of dialogue is based on dignity and sincere respect for others.   

       Several of the quotes from this article come from the following excellent website:    http://www.betterworld.net/quotes/dialogue-quotes.htm. 

Live in the Moment--There is no Time Like Now

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Buddha

Do you take the time to stop and smell the roses when it would be easier to focus on the doom and gloom?  Do you spend some or a lot of your time dwelling on parts of your history that you simply cannot change no matter how much you focus.  "I never should have said that her--it's my fault.  I wish I could take it back"  "If only I would have controlled my temper, we would still be together."  "Why did they treat me that way; it just wasn't fair and look what it has done to me."  No doubt there is purpose in looking back as a way to reflect on the good times, consider lessons learned, and remember those who have benefitted our lives.  Still, there is little value in perpetually dwelling on things that haunt us that we can't change.  Endlessly hashing and rehashing events we lived through or decisions we made that we want to erase is almost always a fruitless exercise.  We cannot change the past!  God cannot change the past!  Accepting that reality, really accepting and living it, is one an important step toward living more fully now.

A moment I will never forget at the Jefferson Memorial with my son after a long jog in the sun.

In similar fashion, do you spend inordinate amounts of your time focused on the future to the extent that the present suffers?  "I don't have time to play ball with my son now because I need to get that project done for my boss so I can get that raise."  "I have to keep working hard so that I can retire and then finally travel."  Yes, we need to look ahead and work the best we can to align our best selves with our ideal selves and to meet our worthy goals, as I discussed in a prior comment.  The challenge is, though, that some of life's most precious moments are happening right under our noses and we often miss them because we bury the now in the past and future.  If we can become better at soaking or basking in the wonderful moments that are happining our lives today, or right now, we will enrich our experience and being.  When learn the skill of seizing the moment, we will discover there is no time like now.  True, sometimes we live in pain or go through difficult challenges.  It is in such hard times that our ability to find joy in simple things can be most important.

Abraham Lincoln's Birthplace State Park in Kentucky where I relished the moment.

As a way to offset or counterbalance the burdens we carry in the past and look for all answers in the idealistic future, why not also more intently and routinely really focus your attention on living in this unique moment.  When you are living and breathing in this instance, why not make a habit of regularly taking in the "right now" as if there was no yesterday or tomorrow.  I am not suggesting that you let go of your inhibitions or ignore who you are, I am simply saying that as you live your life you need to learn to zoom in on the here and now's in your life.  Capture and create lasting memories.  Sit down and really look at that sunset, enjoy that juicy piece of watermelon, relish a conversation or a warm embrace with a loved one like nothing else exists.  Such moments can get you through life's bumps and give you joy. 

Chicago is Amazingly Beautiful!  I loved my magical moments there.

Take in a deep breath and breath out slowly in order to lock in the moment--to savor it no matter how brief it is.  Open your eyes in wonder.  Smell the beauty.  Relish the taste.  Feel the pleasure spread through your soul.  Enjoy the moment like there is nothing else.  Pause long enough to really capture the instant, to take it in, to cherish it.  When you do, that moment will be locked into you and become a part of you--something you can look back on that can help you when times are the toughest.  You can remember with affection and be glad you have a story to tell.  You can also become better at not letting the realities of the past, the pain of the present, and uncertainties of the future control or consume you.  Slow down and enjoy more special moments.  It will be good for your soul.  For a series of great quotes on living in the moment, see http://www.joyofquotes.com/present_moment_quotes.html.

The Quest for Balance in Our Lives

     We all need balance in our lives!  We can each define for ourselves what that "balance" looks like but striving to find a healthy balance is one of life's great quests.  Common wisdom and scripture dictate that we benefit by balancing the physical, mental, social, and spiritual aspects in our living.  Each area is crucial to our development and sustainability.  In my own life and in the lives of those around me, I dare say that many or most of our controllable challenges arise out of imbalance in one or more of the four crucial areas of development.  It goes against our nature to focus all we have on making money, having the perfect body, being a great golfer, acquiring things, being the smartest person in the room.  The most effective goals and lasting pursuits stem from healthy balance.  I like these two quotes about balance (from http://thinkexist.com/quotes/with/keyword/balance/):

“Work, love and play are the great balance wheels of man's being.”   Orison Swett Marden

“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.”  Sparky Thomas Merton

The Washington Monument--A Great Symbol of Balance

     Recently I read My Inventions: The Autobiography of Nikola Tesla (which I highly recommend--only about 90 pages and very interesting).  Tesla was born in Serbia in 1956 and died in the U.S. in 1943.  His vast array of inventions in the areas of electricity affects all of our lives every day.  In a portion of his book he describes personal challenges he faced with health, bad habits, and addiction and how he came to understand the importance of introspection and moderation as they pertained to his well-being.  He made the following observations in discussing his appreciation of the "inestimable value of introspection in the preservation of life":  "Most persons are so absorbed in the contemplation of the outside world that they are wholly oblivious to what is passing on within themselves."  After explaining how millions of deaths can be attributed to the failure of personal introspection (which he argued was reflected in self-destructive behavior's), he made the following statement:  "The truth about this is . . . that we must exercise moderation and control our appetites and inclinations in every direction."  He then discusses how his focus on balance helped him maintain superb health throughout his life at the same time he changed the world with his inventions.  Naturally, he was an imperfect man but his lasting contributions speak for themselves.

     Each of us has to learn to introspect--look inside ourselves in "every direction"--and consider the issue of balance in our lives.  When we find ourselves out of balance with our own ideals and beliefs, then we should admit it and modify our focus to achieve increased balance and, consequently, greater overall joy.  More exercise?  More meditation and prayer?  More reading?  More healthy social interaction and relationships?  We are all different and have individual perceptions of what we need to accomplish balance.  The one thing we have in common, however, is that we all share the absolute need to constantly seek better balance no matter how you define it.  Sit down, look inside yourself, and make a plan to elevate your happiness though balance.  I know I personally have a lot of work to do in this area and always will.  I continue my quest right now. 

The Ongoing Battle: Your Ideal Self Versus Your Real Self

Family looking at Gravesite of John F. Kennedy and Jacquiline Kennedy Onassis and the Eternal Flame

     Even though more than 25 years have passed, I clearly remember a significant moment in my life while I was sitting in a behavioral psychology class at the University of Utah.  During that moment, my thoughts were drawn to an obscure footnote at the bottom of the left page of a chapter we were reviewing that day.  The life-changing footnote had a brief reference to the German/American psychoanalyst, Karen Horney (pronounced "Horneye" in English), who lived from1885-1952.  Paraphrasing what I read based on my limited memory, the footnote briefly mentioned her theory that we all have two views of the "self" (the core of who we are, our potential).  There's the "ideal self" and the "real self."  Our "ideal self" is pretty impressive--smart, disciplined, consistent, moral, kind, patient, and maybe even perfect.   On the other hand, our "real self" is pretty human--good at some things, full of ups and downs, imperfect, occasionally hard to live with, and just not as good as the next person.  Horney postulated that much of our pain or distress in life comes from our perception of the gap or distance that exists between these two mental constructs.

     We really hurt inside and out when we believe we aren't living up to our own view of greatness, when we fall short, when we are petty, when are we way less than ideal.   Horney taught how this kind of quest for perfectionism, more often than not, leads to self-hate and a phenomenon she called "the tyranny of the shoulds." "I should be more righteous." "I should be a better father and have more patience." "I should be more like my neighbor."   In her thinking, as I understand it, our effort to achieve some unachievable ends often leads to a sense of hopelessness and despair--to literal neurosis or illness.  Our belief about the gap between who we are day to day and who we think we must be becomes the source of so much pain, despair, and damning judgment.  Martin Luther King seemed to be teaching a similar principle when he said these profound words:  “Each of us has something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against ourselves.  A persistent civil war rages within all of our lives.” 

     The tension between the two selves is easy to see and feel if you put both hands out in front of you and think of one hand as your ideal self and the other as your real self.  When you move your hands far apart you can recognize that there would be great tension in that person because of the significant distance between the two selves.  In an extreme case, that might be a representation of a person who has given up on their ideals or one who is on a course of self-destruction.  But, if you move the two hands closer together or even move them until portions of the hands overlap (a more realistic portrayal of all of us if we are fair to ourselves), then you can sense increased harmony between the selves.  When portions of the ideal self and real self overlap, then you would expect to find a person who is confidently but imperfectly trying to do good things, to grow day by day.     
Regardless of the terms used to describe this topic, I think Horney and King were right on.  We are at war with ourselves and need to come to more positively deal with our built in limitations.  I know they accurately describe me and my inner battles.  I do my worst when I only see the gap between who I think I am and who I believe I need to be.  That is when I am most likely to forget about the good things I do and represent.  I have seen the same phenomenon in many others I have worked or spoken with. 

     Today, my message is that we would be wise to forgive ourselves for not reaching many aspects of our ideal self.  We can't change the past, we can only shape the future--so we have to more fairly and evenly look at our best selves--not the hypothetical but the real parts of our character which have so many good aspects.  Don't let the invented gap between our real and ideal self destroy us.  I am not saying that we don't strive to do better, to forgive or repent, to grow--to even try to reach a future perfection sought in many religions.  We just don't need to endlessly beat ourselves up every time we fall short because that means we will experience a lifetime of endless beatings and we will likely bring others down with us.

     Over time we can zero in on some traits that need work and we can systematically grow toward our ideals.  I just don't think it is in our cards to reach perfection in this lifetime.  So why not be kind to ourselves and others in our ongoing journey to be a little better, to try a little harder, to understand human frailty, to smile a little more.  When we fall flat on our faces from time to time, we all do it, then get up (hopefully with the help of a kind friend), shake off the dust, bind up the wounds, and try again. 

     Do not focus so much on the gap or distance between your ideal and real selves but instead on the great person you are now and the wonderful things you already do.  By taking a positive approach you can better serve others and not spend all of your time thinking about yourself.  The irony is that in following such a course, you will move closer to your ideals and maybe not even realize it.   Whatever you do, don't play the "tyranny of the shoulds" game--there can be no victory in such self-destruction.

     I think these lyrics and the feelings behind one of my favorite songs, Looking for Space by John Denver, squarely address the tension between the ideal and real self:

"All alone in the universe, sometimes that's how it seems
I get lost in the sadness and the screams
Then I look in the center, suddenly everything's clear
I find myself in the sunshine and my dreams

And I'm looking for space
And to find out who I am
And I'm looking to know and understand
It's a sweet, sweet dream
Sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
And sometimes I'm deep in despair"

     If you would like to listen to this moving song, you can try this link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHRHcjyMugI&feature=related. 

     Fly like an eagle!  When you can't, look to your center to move toward your dreams--patiently.