Can't We All Just Get Along

[The following brief review of a highly polarizing historical event is not presented for any political or negative purpose.  It is discussed merely as a backdrop for the title of this blog and as a means to introduce some principles.  Each person is free to have their own interpretation of facts surrounding the Rodney King beating and riots.]

"The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is

knowing how to get along with people."  Theodore Roosevelt

     In 1991, a man unknown to the public, Rodney King, was stopped after allegedly leading the Los Angeles Police Department on a high speed chase.  In the process of being arrested, Mr. King was beaten by a group of officers.  The beating was captured on video.  The historic video shows the officers hitting or kicking King at least 60 times and appears to show King resisting arrest at several points.  When the video of the beating was released to the world, emotions sored sky high across the country and world amidst claims of racism, corruption, and social inequality.  Aside from social and political questions, the legal issue was ultimately whether the force used by the officers was justified under the circumstances or whether the conduct by the officers was criminal.  Eventually, four officers were charged for crimes against Mr. King. 

     In 1992, following an emotional trial, the jury acquitted the police officers who had been charged with assaulting and using excessive force against Mr. King a year earlier, widespread rioting erupted across Los Angeles, California.  Over a series of about five days of literal warfare, more than 50 people were killed, thousands of fires were set, over a thousand buildings were destroyed, and Los Angeles suffered as much as $2 billion in property damage.  If you are old enough to remember watching the events unfold on television, it was a scary to helplessly watch from a distance as hundreds of fires burned across Los Angeles and mobs of angry people went on a rampage of revenge for the verdicts they viewed as unjust.  We even saw Reginald Denny, one of the tragic victims of the riots who ended up being a household name, get viciously assaulted on live television and then be rescued by the heroic Bobby Green, Jr. who, after watching the beating on television, ran outside to protect Denny and rush him to the hospital to save he is life.  (For an excellent documentary on Rodney King beating and riots, see this CNN report made 20 years after the event:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWhYmb1sANM&feature=related.)

L.A. Riots 1992

     It was during the third day of the rioting when Rodney King, the man the world had seen get beaten by  officers in the landmark video, nervously and bravely said these memorable words in order to try to help stop the chaos:  "People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along?  Can we get along?  Can we stop making it horrible for the older people and the kids?"  (See the video here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sONfxPCTU0.).  Fortunately, through the combined efforts of all sides involved in the riots, relative peace was restored and Los Angeles and the nation got to work assessing and addressing the issues raised in the beatings and riots, such as race relations, police and government tactics, and crime in America. 

     Though the King incident is now a distant memory, debate about it is ongoing.  More importantly, so are the efforts of people to learn how to successfully "get along" with each other.  In many respects the people do a good job of getting along with their families, friends, and coworkers.  There is a lot of evidence in the world of people working together to help the poor, to assist those who suffer catastrophes, and to lift others facing great burdens.  I think most people genuinely want to live the Golden Rule and do to others what they would have done to themselves.  It is heartwarming to see examples of people helping other people.  We all have reason to celebrate the overall goodness in humanity and cause to hope for an even better world.

     I believe there is always room for improvement.  Starting with myself, I know there is much more I can do to get along with those who act, believe, or think differently than I do.  I can be more accepting, more tolerant, more caring, and more giving to all people.  I can work harder to make sure I don't let political, religious, lifestyle or cultural differences become the wedges that break down or destroy relationships or that shut down communication.  I, in my view, cannot resort to throwing stones of judgment at others, especially when I have not walked in the other persons' shoes and do not know their story.  I simply am unqualified to make a just and respectful evaluation of another person's complex life so I prefer to not go down the judgment path and, instead, seek to embrace and celebrate diversity. 

     Can't we all do a little more to get along better with each other?  The media and special interest groups or organizations seem to thrive most when they can divide and conquer.  If the media or special interest groups can get us to hate, distrust, or mock each other for our differences--Republicans vs. Democrats, liberals vs. conservatives, Christians vs. Muslims, gays vs. straights, men vs. women, one race vs. another, and on and on, then the ratings, memberships, and donations go up but our ability to treat each of them with dignity and respect goes down.  Life is simply too short to let our lives be manipulated by sound bites and be distorted by one-sided story-lines with a lopsided agenda.  If we believe everything we hear or read and fail to see that often we are only getting one side of any given story, then we give the story-teller the power to control our thoughts and actions based on that person's agenda rather than our own intelligence and conscience.  The end result is that when we are under the influence of hate or division-mongering we will not get along because we will only see the differences not our human commonalities.  We will tragically spend our time mistrusting, misjudging, and mistreating those who don't fit into our distorted box.  The result will be virtual or literal rioting and looting in our neighborhoods and communities because of the hate and discontent such behavior endears.

     You and me, let's work to get along better with people we don't understand or who are just different than we are.  We don't have to agree with each other on anything other than that as humans we are all entitled to be treated with decency.  There is no room for hate.  Let's be respectful of other's points of view.  At least listen and try to empathize.  Let's give others the benefit of the doubt.  Let's treat all people with dignity and respect.  Let's accept that people have different ideas, beliefs, and lifestyles and learn to embrace and value those differences.  Let's treat all people as though we are children of a loving God who, as much as anything else, wants us to get along with each other (love) as brothers and sisters.  Can we all get along?  I think we can if we make it a priority and see the value in it.  When we do, we will find our hearts and communities full of love and peace like we have never seen.  Only then, I think, can we begin to find anything close to heaven on earth.

Living with Balance: Are You Having Any Fun?

     My father is a wise man.  I remember about fifteen years ago the day he asked me a simple but important question.  I think I was telling him about all of the “important things” I was working on—building my law practice, working on several business start-ups, managing some property we had purchased, doing church duties, remodeling our house, and more, more, more work.  Of all of the responses he could have given that day after enduring what must have been a painful recital of my business, he looked at me with his kind and simple grin and asked:  “Are you having any fun?”  Caught off guard, I paused, thought, and said (in essence), “No.”  At that stage in my life, and I have been guilty of the same since, I was way out of balance and it seemed that “fun” was a huge void for me and consequently for my family, I am sure.  Looking back in my mind, I recall that during that period I felt stressed a lot with work, felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, and, not surprisingly, ended up with an illness that required surgery.  I had to endure other pains I won’t describe here. 

Don and Sherril Burge Having Fun

     I remember that when I walked away from that discussion that day with Dad, I committed myself to do more exercise and have more fun—easier said than done.  I did okay for a while until I forgot what my Dad had really taught me—“Steve, you must have proper balance in your life, including having fun, not because I told you so but because you deserve it.”  It was just too easy for me to slip into the “busy” mode and actually see things like exercise, social activity, and relaxation as burdens.  “I have to do all this for my career.”  “What choice do I have?”  “That’s just the way it is.”  “There are just not enough hours in the day.”  In reality, I chose to drink the Busy-Bee Cool-Aid and ride the Roller Coaster of Imbalance.  I paid the price for those choices. 

     Fortunately, we can undo our choices and recreate ourselves.  From where I sit today, I am much more skilled at and committed to living with better and healthier balance.  I care more about my physical, mental, social, and spiritual health as a whole than I have at any time in the past.  I pace myself better.  I am more forgiving of myself and others.  I smile more.  I relax more and am having more fun.  In thinking about why that is and what I have learned from my Dad, here are some things for all of us to think about in our quests for greater balance and quality of life.

Family Fun 2011--Our Third Thanksgiving 5K

     My Dad, who had an amazing career as a dedicated professor and museum director, made living with balance a part of his life.  I don’t think it was ever a goal and I don’t know that he worked at it; he just lived that way.  That is who he is and chose to be.  He was a geologist by degree but he spent his lifetime learning music, art, astronomy, history, languages, paleontology, archery, river running, leather work, gun building, and on and on.  He watched virtually no TV.  He took his family camping regularly.  We had annual vacations.  He found time to eat lunch each day with my mom and his wife of over 55 years.  He served his community by starting and leading clubs or associations that enhanced the quality of life for many.  He and my mom went out with friends from all walks of life for weekend dinner dates and parties.  I could go on—but the real point is he lives a balanced life.  Any who know him would agree--he created a fun life.  

     As you look at yourself and review the question of balance, consider the difference between goals and standards.  As Tony Robbins explains in an excellent video set called “How to Follow Through/Persist with Your Goals (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7H2uNIChYtQ), don’t just set goals to have better balance in your life but instead achieve appropriate balance by transformation--by actually raising your standards and becoming a balanced person.  Choose health, friendships, love, learning, and activity, not as goals, but as ways of being.  “I am healthy.  I eat right and exercise because that is who I am.  All aspects of my life, from work and play to my relationships and how I use my time, reflect that reality.”  we will transform ourselves only when we are truly vested to such a degree that we see our quest for balance as something we “must” do—not by force or guilt but by choice that is naturally supported by our compelling personal vision of who we really are and want to be. 

     Goals are too easy to set aside and abandon because we don’t normally approach them as much more than a list of things we “should” or “want to” do.  We will transform ourselves only when we truly resolve to raise our standards for lasting change with “musts.”  Goals are usually fleeting objectives—out of sight, out of mind.  Standards are bedrock principles that are the essence of lasting change. 

     So as you seek better balance in your life, including an appropriate dose of fun, start by recreating your vision of who you are, who you want to be.    Do see this compelling vision as a burden but as a source of great joy and satisfaction that pulls you rather than pushes you.  I personally suggest you utilize meditation as part of your daily regimen.  In whatever form of meditation that works with your beliefs you will find that it is an amazing gift or tool for helping you stay in balance, stay in touch with the Divine, and have a place to go to reflect on the many important facets of your life that make life rich and wonderful. 

     If someone ever asks you if you’re having fun, give them a hardy “Oh yeah and so are those around me.”  If you can do so, you will be able to, in large part, because you will have found a healthy measure of balance in your life.  Balance will have become you. 

Nobody's Perfect

     There's a lot of pressure on all of us to be perfect.  Good is just not good enough.  Better is okay for now.  Best is getting somewhere in style.  Perfect--now that, for many, is the destination of destinations, the Holy Grail, the top rung of the ladder.  Whether the quest for perfectionism, however it is defined by each person, is self-imposed, derived from the expectations of others, or born of faith in the Divine, the elusive expectation is all around us--to lift us or to haunt us.  Such a high ideal for ourselves or expectation for others can be a positive, motivating force in  our lives as long as we accept the fact that nobody is perfect now (except to the extent that we are all perfectly imperfect--an important concept that I will delve into on another day).  If, on the other hand, we refuse to accept that mistakes, misjudgments, and errors are the common lot of all people, then our quest for that which most believe cannot be achieved in this lifetime could become more like an unquenchable, disabling thirst than a well of living water.

John F. Kennedy's Grave--an imperfect
man who changed the world.

     In our personal lives, most of us long for a day when we don't get irritated at the driver who is driving too slowly in front of us, when we don't take a neighbor's thoughtless comment personal, when we don't stretch the truth just a bit to avoid full disclosure, when we don't yell at a loved one for not doing something we wanted, when we don't turn our political viewpoints into tools for derision, or when we don't bicker endlessly with a teenage child about all things adolescent.  We would all like to be a bit more patient, loving, kind, considerate, understanding, honest, and wise.  Striving to improve ourselves and raise our standards in such areas is a good thing--something worth our focus and effort.  Where we go wrong, however, is when in our striving we forget our humanity and demand what is for now unattainable.  When we make such demands on ourselves, we, in essence, turn a microscope on our imperfections and begin focusing so intently on our missteps that we create poison.  Rather than learning a lesson, taking responsibility, and working to change direction in a positive way, too often we turn all hell loose on ourselves.  We diminish our sense of self-worth, refuse to forgive ourselves, won't let go of the past, and turn to self-loathing.  Why?  We stop seeing the light and goodness in our souls because we can't get past our own perceived shortcomings.  We become so heavily laden with our imperfect pasts that we turn to Self-Tyranny where we allow the burdens of our memories to harm us.

     If we can look inside our selves and recognize the harm that we invite into our lives by living the impossible dichotomy that says "no one is perfect but I must be perfect," then we can begin to let go of the impossible dream.  We can find proper balance and pacing.  We can accept our flaws and even come to value the lessons we learn from them.  We can love ourselves as perfectly imperfect humans who gain empathy, experience, and wisdom from living imperfectly.

     Once we have figured out how to live with imperfection in our own lives, then we can more reasonably and easily handle the expectations we feel from others to be gorgeous, smart, rich, articulate, and amazing.  Since we have come to accept our own imperfection, we correspondingly find that the gaze of outside influences that used to turn us inside out, fade or go away all together.  We recognize that we are amazing and that what others think about us or expect from us doesn't or shouldn't affect us.  What they think about us is their business and can have no impact on us unless we allow it.  Our business is to accept ourselves, warts and all, and to accept others in the same manner.  The result of such a mental change and spiritual shift is more peace and love in our own lives because we quit believing that we must live perfectly, in a glass house no less.  Instead, we refuse to let others uniformed or even cruel opinions control us.  We will love ourselves, recognize our limitations, value others more, and judge others who are similarly imperfect less because we will have a greater sense that we are all in this human race together, leaning on each other and helping each other when we need a friend rather than a critic.

     Finally, for many, spiritual beliefs or customs teach that perfection is one of the great eternal purposes.  Others believe that people are already perfect the way they are and that they deserve to live each day with love and abundance.  Nothing in this article should be interpreted to minimize the significance of one's personal beliefs in ultimate perfection.  We should live our chosen faith or beliefs in a way that brings us lasting joy.  Hopefully, in doing so, love will abound in our hearts and souls to assist us in our individual journey through mortality so that we can live happily and in peace, despite our imperfections.  After all, nobody's perfect--we're just perfectly imperfect. 

12 Golden Keys—A Remedy for Self-Tyranny (with wisdom from the Words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.)

“Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.”   Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson Memorial--"Tyranny Over the Mind of Man"

     Shortly after I penned 12 Golden Keys in 2004,¹ I visited the Jefferson Memorial in Washington D.C.  At the time, I was pondering the significance of the Keys and how I should best utilize them to help myself and others.  I found my answer that day in the rotunda of the grand Memorial through the following statement by Thomas Jefferson that is engraved inside and around the Monument’s dome:  “I Swore Upon the Altar Of God Eternal Hostility Against Every Form of Tyranny Over The Mind Of Man.”  In the moments after reading those thought-provoking words, I came to understand, with clarity, that 12 Golden Keys was an antidote for “Self-Tyranny”—a concept born to me in that instant.  The sudden realization that 12 Golden Keys would help people stop hurting themselves through Self-Tyranny literally sent chills down my spine.  With that realization, came a strong sense of responsibility that I should use them to make a difference in the world.  12 Golden Keys and Self-Tyranny have been inextricably linked to me since that day.

     The premise of this message is that most people, or even all people to some extent, engage in self-destructive mental practices that are akin to acts of tyranny over their minds.  When we do so, by analogy, it is as though we have a tyrant inside of us (by invitation, no less), who is fully engaged in helping us tear ourselves down. Sadly, human history is full of examples of powerful tyrants who destroyed lives, cultures, and entire societies for their own purposes or for no purpose at all.  It is vexing to look inside ourselves and realize that we, likewise, live with a tyrant inside our minds. How so?

     In order to understand the concept of Self-Tyranny, we must first understand some key components of tyranny itself that include:  1. Absolute rule by a controlling person or party; 2. Denial of essential and basic human rights; and 3. Use of force and brutality to win the will or absolute obedience of the people.  The tragic result of tyrannical rule or force is literally dehumanized humans--people who seem to have lost all hope, who appear unable to fight back, and who sometimes resign themselves to their supposed fate.  The tyrant slaughters his own people for his own glory and gain--without the slightest regard for fundamental human rights and dignity.  History teaches that while the tyrant’s iron-fisted crimes against humanity cannot be erased, the tyrant often dies ignominiously at the hand of resilient and spirited humans who have had enough, who will take no more, and who will pay any price to restore life and living. 

     With that understanding of tyranny as it might look in the world and how it is sometimes stopped, now consider the same components of tyranny as they can be reflected  in our minds and lives.  How is it any different for an outside dictator to deny us of our right to enjoy the fruits of living than for us to routinely engage in thoughts and behavior that effectually takes us to the same end--loss of life, liberty, and happiness?  Tragically, it could be argued, the most common form of tyranny on earth is the kind we inflict upon ourselves—Self-Tyranny.  Tyrannical thought patterns--those that are full of self-loathing, self-hate, self-infliction of emotional scars, self-harm, and sometimes even self-brutality—stop and limit us because they lead to potentially destructive and degrading behaviors.  Harmful thought patterns take a direct toll on our lives because they will be reflected in our actions to one degree or another. 

     Our thoughts become our actions, for instance, as we learn from our caregivers, loved ones, and role models that we are simply not good enough, that we are the cause of others’ pains and problems because of our imperfections, and that we simply don’t measure up.  We take those destructive thought patterns, bottle them up, and pay a big price by the way those things impact our lives.  We end up not really liking how we look, how we act, or who we are so we turn against ourselves. 

     That can mean a lot of things but, as limited examples only, we might self-medicate, self-abuse, engage in highly risky and destructive behaviors.  We could suffer extreme depression, anxiety or other physical maladies that tend to invade a broken mind and body.   We might have difficulty with relationships, difficulty controlling our moods or reactions, difficulty keeping a job, and just difficulty living day to day.  At some point we have to look deep inside ourselves, recognize what we are doing and how it hurts us, and then take brave, directed steps to put an end to the tyrant’s reign of self-terror.  How do we do that? 

     We can overcome our tendency for Self-Tyranny by better understanding who we are, what we are capable of, and how we can best work together with others.  12 Golden Keys gives you a series of truisms that flow from self; to family and friends and God; and ends with the Golden Rule. 

     You must start by grappling with your self-worth until you believe and then know that your life matters.  You maintain that viewpoint by accepting your imperfections, by working on controlling and changing yourself rather sapping your energy by focusing on things you cannot control.  You work on having balance in your life—engaging in physical, mental, social, and spiritual activities that bring you peace and joy.  In the process you see that you are not alone and never have been.  You stop dwelling on an unchangeable past and actively begin remolding your future around things that matter most, like family, friends, and God.  When you do that you begin to seize the moment, choose happiness, share love, and live the Golden Rule by treating others the way they want to be treated and the way you would want to be treated in their shoes. 

     12 Golden Keys are Guideposts, handles, or triggers to help you in this process of defeating Self-Tyranny.  You can find more extensive help in nature, meditation, art, scripture, literature, and poetry.  In some cases, and we should not be afraid of this possibility, the help of professional counseling or medicine may be in order.  Seek and you will find answers.  Fortunately for all us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. understood the human soul and how to overcome personal and societal obstacles by changing the world first from inside ourselves and then on the outside. 

Dr. Martin Luther King, U.S. Capitol

     In 1957 at a Baptist Church in Montgomery, Alabama, Dr. King delivered a sermon titled “Forgiving Your Enemies.”  He had written the speech while sitting in jail for committing acts of nonviolent civil disobedience.  Getting right to his message in the first two sentences of his speech, Dr. King eloquently admonished the congregation on the connection of forgiveness and love:  “First, we must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.” 

     In this masterpiece about reconciliation through forgiveness and love, Dr. King opened the eyes of the audience and the world to the practical and theoretical reasons why man must forgive and love his enemies:

"Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.”

     Clearly, as proven by his life, Dr. King was focused on stopping people and society from their “descending spiral of destruction” so he urged the listeners to remember that there is good and bad in everyone.  Then he made the following enlightened statement about our divided natures:  “Each of us has something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against ourselves.  A persistent civil war rages within all of our lives.”  Dr. King exhorted all people to not only recognize the internal warfare in our minds but to move beyond it, conquer it, and put it behind us by looking beyond the surface and into the light of our own and others’ hearts.  He explained the concept as follows:    

"This simply means that there is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. When we look beneath the surface, beneath the impulsive evil deed, we see within our enemy-neighbor a measure of goodness and know that the viciousness and evilness of his acts are not quite representative of all that he is. We see him in a new light."

  

     I agree with Dr. King.  We are often literally at war with ourselves, let alone fighting with others.  Sometimes we struggle to move forward in the face of our personal challenges, backgrounds, and feelings of inadequacy and doubt.  We have the power within ourselves to stop the internal fighting, to change who we are and how we act.  We need to accept that there is good in us and even some bad.  By accepting that reality we gain the power to forgive ourselves, to love ourselves, and to be a light to others. 

     We can rewrite our scripts and change our lives.  12 Golden Keys can help you come to better value and accept yourself, more effectively work closely with others, and give you the strength to reach outside yourself in order to make a broader and more positive difference in your world.  Literally, 12 Golden Keys, in combination with other tools you use or beliefs you maintain, can help you develop yourself from the inside and allow you then to positively affect the world outside of you.  They can be a catalyst to help you advance from the inside out.

¹ Please see my October 9, 2011 article “12 Golden Keys—An Introduction to the world for a full discussion on the origins of the Keys that were written on December 17, 2004.  For your convenience, the keys are listed here:

12 Golden Keys

1.         Your life matters

2.         Learn from your mistakes

3.         Nobody is perfect

4.         You can only control and change yourself

5.         You must have balance

6.         You are never alone

7.         You can’t change the past, you can only shape the future

8.         Put the Divine at the center of your existence and family and friends at the center of your life

9.         Live in the moment—there is no time like now

10.       Choose to be happy even when life is not fair

11.       Commit to make a difference through unconditional love

12.       Live the Golden Rule

(Copyright © 2004 Steven Burge.  All rights reserved.)